Do you ever feel like you’re the only normal person at a music festival?
You’re in between sets of two of your favorite artists, so you look around and notice them. The little kids, the old dudes with huge beards and beer bellies, the teenage girls wearing something you’d never let your daughter out of the house in.
Estimates pegged last year’s Lollapalooza attendance at 220,000. We’re willing to bet $50 in Genie bucks that you can read about half of them right here.
Without further adieu:
1) The Out-of-Towner
“Where’s Grant Park?” he asks you as he twists his wrinkly map around in all directions. He’s got his shades on, his sunscreen, and a brand new brown fedora over his furrowed brow. You point him in the right direction and move on. He proceeds to stand in the middle of the intersection to survey the skyline until an irritated taxi driver lays on his horn.
2) The Hip-Hop Head
He’s here for one reason, to see rappers spit some bars (no, not the kind of bars that serve alcohol). You can catch him vibing out to Tyler the Creator, Logic, and ASAP Rocky. Metallica who?
3) The Rager
Keep a wide berth, this guy is going nuts. Is he even looking at the stage? Oh hell no he did not just spill my beer with his flailing arms.
4) The Rocker
You know the middle-aged, tatted-up white guy who’s there to see Metallica? Yep, him. Bonus points if he’s wearing a studded belt.
5) The Guy That Hopped the Fence
You’ll find this guy laying low in the middle of a big crowd constantly looking over his shoulder. He’s got some big ol’ pit stains, and he’s a little stressed out. After a while, he starts to blend in and enjoy himself, but the pit stain aftermath tends to remain. That, and the smell…
6) The Hipster
He couldn’t get tickets to Pitchfork. That, and he can’t wait to see that small band you’ve never heard of while you’re watching Paul McCartney.
7) The Rabid Snapchatter
Sir, please put the phone down. This is your last warning.
8) The Hippie Chick
She kind of smells funny, and she keeps staring off into the distance with a whimsical look on her face. Plus, she’s dancing and there’s no music even playing right now. No I really don’t want a hug.
9) The Bad Parent
“Is that a FREAKING baby!? Guys, guys… GUYS! Look at this! That dude has a baby strapped to his chest.”
10) The Popular High Schoolers
Most of the others are on this list are single individuals, but let’s be honest, you won’t catch these youngins apart from each other for a second. They come in droves, with the pretty boy jock leading the group. He kind of looks like Justin Bieber, and you (or your guy friends) are kind of jealous, but the same time, you just don’t like him for some reason. Maybe it’s the screaming girls he’s surrounded by. Or maybe it’s his obnoxious friend who’s shouting obscenities in every direction.
11) The Lovers
You couldn’t pry these two off of each other with a crowbar. Their lips are glued together, they’re dancing, they’re touching, they’re whispering in each other’s ears. I’d tell you more about them, but if I looked at them any longer I’d probably get sick. The Lovers are typically spotted with the Popular High School Kids, though they aren’t limited to this group.
12) The Club Head
You probably think his neck is going to detach itself from his body with the methodical yet extremely intense head bobbing going on here. He keeps raving about the “phat bassline,” and he’s wearing a neon orange tank top. Cool bro.
13) The Mud-Covered Girl
Seriously, was she rolling around in it? She also can’t find her friends, and now she wants to get her grimy hands on your phone to call them. No thanks.
14) The Costume Guy
Just…why?
15) The Dancer
This person is usually a woman (though the guys are funnier to watch). They’ll be standing by themselves just straight groovin’ to the tunes. They know we see them but they just don’t care. Secretly we envy them because we would never do this, but at the same time, there’s a reason we would never do this.
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