Spice up your life and attend a few of these 100%, verifiably real Facebook events that are definitely happening in Chicago.
Rob the State of its Remaining Assets
Despite the fact that the Illinois capital is in Springfield, we are nearly certain that Rauner is keeping the very last of the state’s cash in Chicago city hall. Join 1.3k of your closest friends in taking it away from him.
From the Admin: Gotta keep this one on the low. The state of Illinois can’t have more than twenty bucks left at this point. They don’t deserve it. Let’s take it back, y’all.
Free the Innocent
Everyone knows about the guy who lives in the Bean. I mean it’s common knowledge at this point. Help other concerned Chicagoans free him from his eternal solitude on Halloween. This is a human rights issue.
From the Admin: WE HAVE BEEN SILENCED, BUT WE WILL FIGHT BACK!!! Facebook or forces unknown are attempting to hide the truth of the little man inside the bean, we will break him free! We will know the secrets!! WE WILL NOT LOSE THE WAR!!!
Give a Helping Hand
The Bean spends all day in the sun. It deserves to look damn good.
From the Admin: Bring some aloe vera too.
Channel Your Inner Ocean’s Eleven
It’s the perfect plot: no one will ever know that the Bean they see is not Sir Anish Kapoor’s 2006 original.
From the Admin: hurry !!! lets do this before anyone notices.
Contemplate the Futility of Life
Coming up on your next bout of existential depression? Join 4.7k other Chicagoans in lamenting the pointlessness of existence and the Sartian principals of bad faith in front of the most existentially confounding landmarks in the city: the Bean. Oh, and apparently you should also read HP Lovecraft?
From the Admin: https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Fiction-H-P-Lovecraft/dp/0785834206
Clean Up a Bit
Have you seen how many people touch the Bean? When do you think the last time was someone cleaned it? That shit is filthy. It’s time we all grew up and took care of this mess.
From the Admin: The Bean is dirty.
Mess Everything Back Up Again
If you read that last post and thought “wut?” then this is the event for you. Ruin all the Windex lover’s fun by blacking out the Bean entirely. Now they can’t clean it. So there.
From the Admin: Heard there was an event where people wanted to windex the bean. Not on my watch!!!
Watch and American Treasure Work
If he can eat an onion ring topped, cheese stuffed, bacon wrapped, double Buffalo beef burger with literally everything in the fridge piled on top then he can cook the Bean.
From the Admin: Our guy Guy will cook The Bean in an effort to end world hunger. WOW!
See a Reallllly Exclusive Show
This is obvious.
From the Admin: Get ready for the concert of a lifetime! Two two-hour sets with your favorite artists, plus your favorite foods opposite the stage in the parking lot. Paid promotion by White Castle.
DISCLAIMER: If you missed the blatant sarcasm, please note that these events are definitely not actually happening. Sorry to disappoint. Please do not go and paint the Bean black. Although, it could maybe use a good Windex.
