What Chicago’s Statues Are Dying to Tell You

By now, you’ve probably heard about Statue Stories, an innovative, citywide art project that launched on August 6th. The mission: to give Chicago’s statues a voice of their own. By scanning a QR Code, tapping an NFC tag, or just putting the URL into your smartphone, you’ll receive a call from the statue within seconds. A celebrity voices each statue, with our personal favorite being Steve Carell.

Steve-Carell-in-Evan-Almighty
Seems… fitting.

This seems like a great blend of education and fun, to be sure. But all of this gave us an idea. What do you think each of those statues would actually say if they were able to talk? We didn’t do them all, but we think you’ll enjoy these select few.

 

Statue in ChicagoBenjamin Franklin – Lincoln Park

“I don’t particularly enjoy being made of copper, but did you know that copper doesn’t attract lightning? Let me see that kite for a second.” 

 

Statue in ChicagoNicolaus Copernicus – Northerly Island, Adler Planetarium

“Hey, you… yeah, you. You are NOT the center of the universe buddy… and neither is the Earth for that matter.”

 

Statues in ChicagoCloud Gate (The Bean) – Millennium Park

“Not to brag or anything, but can you name any other statues that have been in more selfies than Kim Kardashian? Go ahead, I’ll wait.”

 

Statues in ChicagoThe Tin Man – OZ Park

“Ya know who really has no heart? Jay Cutler.”

 

Statues in ChicagoHelping Hands Jane Addams Memorial – Chicago Women’s Park and Gardens

*Sign language*

 

Statues in ChicagoMan With Fish – Shedd Aquarium

Man: “This is… awkward.”

Fish: “For real, Man. Put me down.”

 

North and South LionsNorth and South Lions – Art Institute

“Okay, seriously. We love the Blackhawks. Truly, we do. But those helmets DO NOT fit our heads comfortably. How about some Toews jerseys next year?”

 

Statues in ChicagoThe Picasso – Daley Plaza

“What am I? What are you? What does it mean to be something anyway? What if we’re all just different portrayals of the same image? …What is an image? Is it in our minds? Or is it in our perception of others?”

 

Statues in ChicagoBrachiosaurus – Grant Park, Field Museum

“I HAVE A DATE WITH SUE TONIGHT, YEAHHH!”

 

Statues in ChicagoBronze Cow – Chicago Cultural Center

“How did I become a bronze cow? French fries and tanning booths.”

 

Think you can do better? We’d love to hear your suggestions. Tweet us @UMatterChicago or write to us on Facebook.

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