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Many women never even realize they’re slipping into perimenopause. Not only does it impact women at different ages and periods of life, but there’s still a lot of science being unraveled when it comes to understanding the stages of menopause and how it affects wellness and intimacy.
One day you might be geared up and ready to go the moment your partner flashes you a great smile, then next you’re hot, bothered, and your vagina feels beyond dry. These symptoms, among others, can cause serious intimacy problems, despite your best intentions. Fortunately, you can take steps to regain control of your sexuality as you age.
Vaginal Dryness
Vaginal dryness is perhaps the most obvious sign of perimenopause that interferes with sexual intercourse at a physical level. Sex without lubrication can be uncomfortable for some women and downright painful for others. The downside to using traditional lubricants is that they can wear out quickly, leading to discomfort and potential harm. This experience may have you delaying or altogether refusing sex, which can make it hard to connect with your partner in other ways.
What You Can Do: The good news is that vaginal dryness is also one of the easiest symptoms to treat. In the short term, you can invest in a high-quality vaginal moisturizer to regain comfort and confidence by mimicking your own body’s lubrication. In the long term, you can introduce foods that help raise estrogen levels and contribute to higher moisture levels in your body. These include foods that contain healthy fats, such as avocados, salmon, and sweet potatoes.
Lower Libido
Another unfortunate side effect of shifting hormones is a lower libido. You’ll lose both estrogen and testosterone during your menopausal years, and this can make you entirely uninterested in sex at a biological level. Your brain may understand that you enjoy being intimate, but your body just isn’t feeling it. This can be a challenge in a sexual relationship because you and your partner both deserve someone who is enthusiastically engaged.
What You Can Do: This challenge is perhaps one of the most trying ones because how do you tell your body to respond when it just won’t? In this case, it might be a good idea to participate in some intense self-care. Change the way you treat your body: eat healthy foods, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and manage your stress levels. You may find that with a healthier lifestyle and a strong sense of self, your amorous feelings come trickling, or rushing, back in.
Irritability
Okay, forget the libido, what if you’re just annoyed all the time? This happens to more women than the world probably realizes, and not enough people are talking about it. Irritability during perimenopause may have a lot to do with years of pent-up emotions. It’s perfectly normal and incredibly common. And when you’re feeling like that, the last thing you want to do is have sex.
What You Can Do:
You can do the one thing so many women still struggle to do today: address the elephant in the room. Talk to your partner, family, or even friends about the things that are bothering you. And ask for what you need: more date nights, more romance, more help around the house, or more time to yourself. In short, don’t hold in all those feelings because they may be interfering with a healthy sex life. Let them out in constructive ways, and you might just find yourself running to the bedroom instead of away from it.
Depression and Anxiety
Another part of perimenopause that’s extremely common but rarely discussed is the army of women who struggle with depression and/or anxiety in their 40s and 50s. Look, you’ve been going nonstop for many years, you have the life you’ve worked hard for, and now you just might be burnt out. Decades of overwhelm, plus hormonal shifts, can lead to a more serious mental condition that has you avoiding sex at all costs.
What You Can Do: In many cases, clinical depression or anxiety cannot simply be fixed by exercising and eating right. Although those are great places to start, you should also get some professional help. You might do well with a therapist for yourself and even a couple’s therapist to discuss marital issues. If your mental state is affecting your daily life, don’t wait. Get the help you need and that works for you. Once you do, you can create a new normal for yourself, which includes increased interest in sex.
Relationship Issues
Finally, it’s completely normal to have relationship issues at this stage of your life. If you’ve been in a long relationship, you’ve raised kids together, and now your hormones are shifting, your partner might feel like your villain. You might be fighting all the time, debating separation, or just ignoring each other entirely and muddling through. Of course, your sex life is going to suffer, which means you’re both likely sexually frustrated, too.
What You Can Do: Here’s another area where you really do need to address the issues and get help if you can’t do it alone. Sex is a critical part of a loving, committed relationship, and if you’re not having it, one or both of you may feel resentful, unloved, and unwanted. Work on communication skills, get a couples counselor to help, and start building back a relationship you both want to be part of.
It is fully possible to fall madly in love with someone all over again, even if you feel like you’ve been going through the motions. And who knows, great sex might be just around the corner.
In the end, the key to reclaiming your sexuality has a lot to do with paying attention to your body and giving it what it needs. That might be the right nutrition, more movement, better sleep, or stress management. It might also mean medication, therapy, and a weeklong retreat in Bali a la Eat, Pray, Love.
The bottom line is that today is the first day of the rest of your life, and an amazing sex life should be part of it, well into your golden years. That’s part of what makes them golden, after all.