Coach Lee is a distinguished relationship coach specializing in empowering individuals to become their most attractive selves. His expertise lies in fostering successful relationships and guiding people to reunite with their loved ones following marital separations or breakups. Renowned for his insight and effectiveness, Coach Lee has garnered attention from prestigious media outlets. He has been featured in interviews by The New York Times (twice), USA Today, The Today Show, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Bravo TV, Yahoo Lifestyle, and several other prominent platforms, including Fox, CBS, MSN, and Men’s Health.
One of Coach Lee’s notable strengths is his adeptness in handling challenging marital situations, particularly when a spouse is contemplating leaving or is involved in an affair and reconciliation appears unattainable. Join Urban Matter as we delve into an insightful interview with Coach Lee, uncovering the secrets behind his successful relationship coaching strategies.
Urban Matter Interview Questions
1. With over twenty years in the relationship coaching field, could you share how your approach to helping individuals and couples has evolved over time?
I used to throw every strategy and technique in the book (or books) at married couples having trouble. Everyone seemed to be coming up with new concepts for relationships and a lot of it was good and could be somewhat helpful. But over time, I began to notice that couples rarely improved long-term from the new books and trends. What helped the most was simplifying the lives of couples as much as possible and to look more into their expectations for the relationship itself. Oftentimes too much is expected from a relationship that is not based on reality. Once those two areas are addressed, most situations do much better unless we are dealing with character flaws and emotional disorders.
2. In your experience working with a diverse range of clients, from A-list celebrities to everyday individuals, what are some unique challenges each group faces in their relationships?
Usually, celebrities, politicians, and certain wealthy individuals have to travel a great deal without their spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend), which is far more destructive to a relationship than most people realize. It’s extremely difficult for a couple to keep a strong, intimate connection if they are apart a lot. It’s not a popular thing to say because people don’t want it to be true, but it is. And so I see a lot of relationships struggle and end because of that. Couples who are apart a lot also significantly increase the likelihood of an affair or cheating.
What’s more, western couples in particular often experience FOMO (fear of missing out), often leading them to clubs, parties, and exotic locations. Those things can be fine but oftentimes those things become the focus of someone’s life – especially women in their 20s. The pattern then seems to be that they develop friendships with other FOMO sufferers and become convinced that their relationship or partner is preventing them from having fun and epic experiences.
3. Can you share a memorable success story where your guidance helped a couple or individual overcome significant relationship hurdles?
Several, but the one that sticks out to me was where a married couple was on their last leg. She had left with a case of FOMO, feeling that she wasn’t “growing” and that there was “more out there.” She had left her husband and it appeared she wasn’t looking back. I guided him for over six months and they seemed to be doing better. She had come back to him and seemed to realize the value of her marriage, which wasn’t just something she should toss aside. I got a message several months later from him. He was at the hospital, looking at their newborn son through the glass. He sent me a picture, thanked me for helping them, and said that the child wouldn’t be alive without my help. I was in my office when I got that message and sat looking at the image he had sent me for several minutes. I looked back at that message several times that day and still have it. I have had other cases where children were born who most likely wouldn’t be alive otherwise and it’s such a surreal experience. Here is a screenshot of another similar message.
4. Reuniting with a loved one after a separation or breakup can be complex. What key strategies do you recommend for those hoping to reconcile with a past partner?
It’s different for marriages that separate and for non-married people who break up. For marriages, the people will almost certainly have to interact for a time and more if they have children together, shared assets, businesses, etc. That allows for more opportunities to cool down, reflect, interact, and develop a greater understanding of the value of their commitment. For married couples, one of the first steps is to stop negative behaviors like fighting, bickering, yelling, and other negative interactions. I often have to ask the married person who was left what motivation the other person has to come back. Usually, at least one of them seems to think that continually dredging up issues is the way to “fix” the marriage. But when someone wants to leave a marriage, they usually won’t have much desire to work for it. And so becoming civil and building positive interactions is usually the first step. From there, love can be restored over time and the issues that caused problems can be addressed now that there is mutual motivation to work on the relationship.
It’s often the no-contact rule for dating couples who break up. Where they stop pressuring and interacting with the other person. This can allow the person who left the relationship to stop being defensive or running further away emotionally. That’s the basic explanation but that can often cause the leaving person to reassess the value of the person and the relationship itself. It sort of turns the tables since the person who was broken up with doesn’t chase or pursue them and it can lower the leavers’ sense of attractiveness. This sets up success and for additional techniques to be applied.
5. As a relationship expert, how do you define ‘attractiveness’? What practical tips can you offer for individuals looking to enhance their appeal in the dating world?
Attractiveness is a multifaceted concept that transcends physical appearance. It is physical as well as emotional and intellectual. Physical attractiveness isn’t just about good looks but also about how individuals carry themselves, their confidence (but not arrogance), and how they maintain their health and well-being.
Emotionally, attractiveness is closely tied to qualities like empathy, kindness, and emotional intelligence. Understanding and connecting with others showing compassion and support, enhances attractiveness.
Intellectually, attractiveness involves curiosity, a love for learning, and the ability to engage in stimulating conversations without attacking someone who disagrees. It’s about how individuals think, articulate their thoughts, and openness to new ideas.
6. Working with A-list celebrities must present unique confidentiality and sensitivity challenges. How do you navigate these while providing effective relationship advice?
I have become close to several people who are all over screens and media. Many are known simply by their first name. Many of these relationships require such regular conversation that I often become extremely close to these people. I’m a secret since there is sometimes a stigma associated with a relationship coach. That’s just part of it. But their names are safe on my lips and I never reveal the identity of my clients.
7. In today’s digital age, how do you think technology and social media impact relationships, and what advice do you offer to navigate these changes?
Social media isn’t bad in and of itself. It’s more about the people who use it and whether they can handle all the options it provides. It also contributes to FOMO in that people see what others want them to see and that most people greatly exaggerate their happiness and experiences online. For a vulnerable person, social media presents opportunities to build extramarital relationships through seemingly innocent conversations. It can create the illusion of choice and people often leave relationships thinking they have their pick of many people. Real life, however, often doesn’t play out that way.
8. Looking ahead, what trends or changes do you foresee in the field of relationship coaching, and how are you preparing to meet these future challenges?
Many coaches, including the ones on my staff, realize that many pop psychology and relationship cliches need to be tossed aside. One of the most overused of those is that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. I almost laugh when I hear it because it’s not true and because people say it so much because they are convinced it’s true. It’s not. Some couples need to communicate less. Sometimes, shutting up is the best thing that you can do. I see a shift towards more evidence-based practices in relationship coaching. I base my coaching and courses on my observations. I don’t base them on good-sounding theories or feel-good philosophies. I want to see it work and be practical in people’s lives. I also see experienced coaches working in tandem with marriage and family therapists. Coaching has its strengths in terms of achieving goals and desires, whereas counseling explores more emotional disorders and their impacts. I have worked with several counselors and have clients who are psychologists, psychiatrists, behavioral scientists, and other relationship coaches. I see more teamwork among those groups.
Coach Lee is a relationship coach with more than two decades in the relationship-enrichment service. He developed the Emergency Breakup Kit, the Emergency Marriage Kit, and the Relationship Reignite workshop for marriages in crisis. He has a website for dating couples and for married couples.