For many people, their idea of love is built around something they saw in a movie: Two people meet. The attraction is mutual. They fall in love. They overcome a challenge or two and then go on to live happily ever after. All in less than a couple of hours.
However, back in the real world, Dr. Venus Nicolino says things usually don’t quite work out that way. “Love is not easy,” she said in a video on her popular TikTok channel. “It requires effort and a willingness to struggle.”
Nicolino has built her reputation on offering no-nonsense advice backed by a deep level of expertise. Her bona fides include a master’s degree in counseling psychology and both a master’s degree and Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She’s also become a multimedia personality, bestselling author, podcast host, and businesswoman.
You Can’t Get a Loving Relationship Delivered Like a Pizza
Relationships and love are two frequent topics Dr. Venus Nicolino addresses, often to help people correct course from following the abundance of awful advice available on the internet and TV, or in the self-help aisle at the local bookstore.
Nicolino, often referred to simply as Dr. V, wrote the bestselling book Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t to take on the types of self-help advice people get from “gurus” who are often way off base.
She came across just such advice recently about love. Written by an anonymous author, the advice informed people they have two choices in a relationship — accept their partners as they are, right now, or walk away.
In her usual to-the-point style, Dr. Venus Nicolino quickly debunked that advice, which she called “a cuddly little quote about romantic partners.
“The author was anonymous for a good reason. Makes me think they’ve never run into a human being before,” she said. “We are complicated. We have lots of problems. It takes months, years, sometimes decades to get to know some of us. But we are worth the wait and the f—ing effort.”
She said the anonymous quote played into the notion that people can simply order up a perfect relationship like they order new pillowcases or dinner.
“Relationships are not — and will never be — on demand. This ain’t DoorDash where you sit on the couch while someone else cooks for you, then a driver presents your meal, hot and ready, as you sit in comfort trying to watch every movie ever made,” Venus Nicolino said.
“Hey, you may find love without putting up with human failings, but you’re just as likely to hit the lottery and get hit by lightning at the same moment.”
The Current Advice Is Not Working So Well
Dr. Venus Nicolino’s attempts to cut through the clutter of bad advice people hear on a daily basis are well timed. Because while there’s plenty of love advice out there, it’s apparently not making relationships any better.
For example, the national divorce rate remains around 50% for first marriages, with second and third marriages failing at a higher rate. Marriage rates have also dropped over the past decade, with fewer couples deciding to take the leap into holy matrimony.
Research also shows that many people don’t have a romantic partner. A Pew Research Center study found that 38% of adults between the ages of 25 and 54 were neither married nor living with a partner. That’s a big jump from 1990, when that number was 29%.
Love, Nicolino said, takes commitment and work. It also takes making a wise choice in a partner. As Nicolino has pointed out, you can never be right enough if you’re with the wrong person. It’s just not going to happen.
Never Give Up on Yourself or Love
While Venus Nicolino offers tough advice on love, she also encourages people not to give up. She focused on this issue in a recent TikTok post — especially how it impacts people who just ended a relationship with someone and think, “I loved them more than I ever loved anyone.”
People in that position may find it difficult to believe they can love again. Dr. V says that’s far from the case.
“Did they take pieces of you? Yes, they most certainly did. That super-soft hoodie — you’ll never see it again. The cute dog you rescued together? Bye-bye, Fido,” she said. “But do you know what they didn’t take, what they could never take? That thing inside you that generated those feelings.”
She added, “I’m here to tell you that they didn’t give you the capacity to love, they gave you a place to express it. That energy remains within you. They didn’t take it, it’s ready and able to express itself with someone else when you’re ready.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino even offers some advice for those at a loss about what to do with their love life. On one of her frequent “daily reminders” on TikTok, Nicolino offered advice that, as usual, combines a good idea with a touch of humor. “When you don’t know the best thing to do for your relationship, relax,” she said. “Now, ponder the worst thing you could say or do. And don’t.”