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Most people worry about the opinions of others. Don’t believe us? Believe this: a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that 60% of people worldwide are actively trying to change their behavior to better align with social norms [1].
Caring about what people think is deeply human. It’s rooted in primitive parts of our brains. But nowadays, we don’t need a tribe protecting us. We live in an individualistic world, where identity and personal freedom are the main values.
That’s why it hurts when we can’t express them because of the fear that others will judge. Why do I care then what people think? This, along with practical tips to stop caring what people think, can be found in today’s article.
Why Do I Care What People Think?
First of all, caring about others’ opinions is not a flaw. It’s as natural as it can be. Problems can appear when the opinions of others make you constantly self-monitor and limit your freedom of choice.
Here are the most common reasons why you may worry about what others think of you.
- You grew up in a judgmental or critical environment.
The idea that being loved and accepted is possible only through being right is most frequently instilled in childhood. Actually, it’s an overlooked childhood trauma, which you can explore through an online ACEs test or therapy. You might be especially prone to overthinking when you experience:
- bullying
- unreasonable expectations
- parentification trauma
- mental health (or neurodevelopmental) conditions
- suppression of your identity.
- You didn’t develop strong self-trust.
If you never received validation, support, or praise, you may have learned not to rely on your own perspective. It can show up in not knowing how to stand up for yourself or feeling like you’re never right. Now, you may look outward for reassurance and validation, which makes others’ opinions feel more important than your own.
- You neglect self-care.
Self-esteem depends heavily on self-care. Neglecting your needs (emotional & physical) = being dependent on others to feel good about yourself.
- You have a strong need for belonging.
Let’s not forget that wanting conformity and validation from others is a biological need. For our ancestors, being rejected meant starvation and danger. Some of your past experiences might’ve heightened this need, especially if you lacked safety as a child.
How to Stop Caring What People Think
A foreword: there is a spotlight effect in psychology, which claims that people consistently overestimate how much others think of them.
In one study, they asked people to wear an embarrassing T-shirt. People wearing the T-shirt estimated that about 50% of others would notice them, but in reality, only 25% did [2].
The main conclusion is just to let go. Since it can be really challenging, you can start with this step-by-step plan:
Practice consistent self-care
Yes, self-care makes us feel good, but it also tells our psyche that we can trust ourselves, including our judgment and choices. Long-term practice of a healthy lifestyle and rest will eventually make you less reactive to external opinions.
Choose whose opinions actually matter
One thing you must take away from this article is that you can hear others, but not listen to them. Of course, this is about people who criticize or invalidate you (but really don’t know you as a person).
But it’s also about your inner critic. Its voice is distorted. This voice belongs to your survival mechanisms. And let us tell you: you don’t need them anymore.
Ask yourself one question: Does my one mistake/flaw/certain behavior define me as a person? Spoiler: No, it doesn’t. What matters is whether you try to become a better person for yourself today
Practice appreciation toward yourself
In continuation of the topic of the inner critic. Would you be offended if someone said that they don’t like your blue skin? Probably not because you don’t have blue skin. But would you be offended if they told you that you’re a bad person?
Comments and judgment hurt us when we believe in what others say. But what if we believed in something more positive?
Don’t focus solely on what went wrong in your life. Behind this negativity, you don’t notice how far you’ve come. Try to consciously notice what you did well: acknowledge your effort, your growth, and your intentions.
Once a day, think about what you did well. Think, “Hm, I really nailed that presentation today” or “I’m so proud of myself for cooking myself a healthy meal instead of ordering take-out, even though I was exhausted.”
Challenge negative thoughts (CBT approach)
When you catch yourself thinking something negative, like “They think I’m awkward” or “I embarrassed myself,” break down your thoughts:
- What exactly am I thinking?
- What evidence supports this?
- What evidence contradicts it?
- What emotion is behind it?
Then reframe it into something more balanced: “I might not have been perfect, but my one behavior doesn’t summarize me as a person. Everyone deserves to make mistakes, including me.”
Walk away from unhelpful criticism
Hurt people hurt people. Not all feedback is constructive, especially if you feel it’s insulting or (passive) aggressive. Remember: when fighting with a pig in the mud, you’ll both get dirty, but only the pig will enjoy it.
Don’t spend your energy on fighting with insecure people who want to boost their ego through you. Simply walk away from the conversation.
But remember to learn in the future how to set a boundary and express your emotions through “I-statements.” These will bring you more good generally in life.
Benefits of Not Caring What Others Think
We don’t suggest that you simply abandon all social norms and live a life of anarchy. Not caring what others think will benefit you if you practice selective attention. Listening to others, while understanding that their words don’t undermine your self-esteem.
In this way, not caring what others think can be quite advantageous. For example,
- Your self-esteem will grow.
Your sense of worth becomes more stable because it’s no longer dependent on how others react to you. Instead of fluctuating based on praise or criticism, your confidence is rooted in your own values and self-perception.
- You deal with emotions better.
Harvard claims that unconditional self-acceptance is so impactful that it can actually chain brain functioning [3]. Less overthinking and rumination means less stress. And less stress reduces irritability and emotional instability, making feelings easier to manage.
- You’ll develop a more authentic sense of self.
You stop adjusting your personality to fit expectations. You start to express your opinions, preferences, and identity more freely. You’re willing to take more constructive risks and step out of your comfort zone. You grow.
- You gain greater autonomy.
When you start to practice letting go, unconditional self-acceptance, self-care, etc., it can become easier to make decisions. Why? Because now, you’re aware of what actually matters to you. It allows you to decide without second-guessing yourself.
- Your overall mental well-being improves.
Healthier self-esteem is associated with fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression, primarily due to less stress. But also due to the fact that you live your life the way you want and actually enjoy yourself.
Sources:
- Who in the world is trying to change their personality traits? Volitional personality change among college students in six continents. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. November 2021.
- The spotlight effect in social judgment: an egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. February 2000.
- Greater self-acceptance improves emotional well-being. Harvard Health Publishing. May 2016.