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You often hear people say that marriage is hard work, and you may not believe how much that holds true until you experience a difficult patch in your own relationship. When you’re married, there will be ups and downs, just like anything else in life, including any other relationship.
There are times when you might need to re-engage yourself with your partner and do things to show them that you care and that you want to get back on track. For example, some couples find the best way to stay connected is to regularly take a getaway together to a destination they love or to find time each week for a date night.
Then, there are times when a quick fix might not be enough, and you could have to put in more effort to try and bring things back to where you’d like them to be.
Below, we talk more about why a marriage might be facing problems and what you can do to proactively fix issues before they become something bigger.
Signs You Could Be Drifting Apart
Sometimes people grow apart in their marriages, and they might not even realize it until it’s too late. You never want to feel like you’re a stranger to the person you’re sharing everything with. What you should know is that as scary as feeling a drift can be, it happens to nearly every couple at some point. What matters is how you respond and move forward.
Drifting apart can be the culmination of seemingly little things over the years.
For example, maybe you stop taking those getaways without the kids that you once enjoyed, or you don’t experience new things together anymore. You could drift apart because you stop showing appreciation for one another in little ways.
Your life can also get busy and pull your energy and attention in so many different directions. You might have family conflicts, busy work schedules, health issues, financial stress, or any number of things that can be distracting in daily life.
Some of the signs that you might be drifting apart and that it’s time to pull things back on track can include:
- You’re not interested in sitting and talking with each other. Maybe you feel like your spouse won’t be able to understand you, or you avoid conversations because you worry they’ll turn into a fight.
- Some couples notice an issue when they’re happier doing things without their partner. If your spouse is the last person you want to share something great with, it’s a red flag.
- You might only feel a disconnect in one area of your marriage, but then that can snowball and move into other areas if it’s not dealt with.
- Maybe you find that one or both of you is getting easily and frequently annoyed.
- You could find that you’re not doing things together that are enjoyable like you once did, and you might miss that.
- A marriage in trouble might show itself with one or both of you constantly criticizing the other.
- You’re lacking physical intimacy. Everyone goes through ups and downs in this area, but if you’re seeing months or even years go by, you should assess what’s happening.
- The same argument seems to be reoccurring time and time again.
- You’ve stopped arguing. We tend to associate arguing with an unhealthy marriage, and while it can be, some disagreements are healthy and normal. If you stop arguing, it could signify you’ve given up.
- One or both of you might begin keeping secrets. They might not be especially important secrets, but still, this can show you’re drifting apart.
- Your spouse isn’t the first person you call anymore. If you have a bad day or a good day, maybe you call someone else.
So what can you do if you notice any issues that you are drifting apart? The good news is that there are things you can do, but you have to do them sooner rather than later.
Sometimes, the things listed below might be good to strengthen your relationship even if you aren’t experiencing any problems, but you simply want to keep it that way. When you put in the effort, as with anything in life, you’re likely to get more out of it.
How to Strengthen Your Marriage
The following are some ideas you might consider.
Take a Trip Together
Above, we mentioned several times the importance and the value of traveling with your spouse. This means a trip without the kids, the in-laws, or anyone else. There’s a reason that traveling can be a good way to help a marriage.
First, it takes you out of your daily routine, away from stress, and out of the environment where you might feel like there are too many demands on you to focus on your partner.
Traveling is also good because you’re experiencing something together, and shared experiences strengthen your bond.
It doesn’t have to be an elaborate trip around the world to be helpful for your marriage. If you have a place that’s special to each of you, take a weekend away every once and a while.
Traveling together can renew your energy and your perspective and help you bond once again and reconnect.
Communicate on a Regular Basis
You may think you’re communicating with your partner all the time because, after all, you’re sharing a life and home, but are you really talking to one another? Many couples aren’t. You might be talking about the mundane must-discuss things that impact daily life, but are you communicating about more important things?
Are you making time to talk about your interests, your frustrations, your hopes, your goals, and your feelings?
These are things you need to share with each other.
You might set aside a specific block of time each day where you talk.
Maybe it’s in the evening with a glass of wine after the kids go to bed or first thing in the morning before the activity starts in the house.
Put the phone down, turn the TV off and just actually talk.
Have Regular Financial Conversations
One of the biggest reasons couples fight and ultimately go their separate ways are because they disagree about finances. If you can have conversations that are open and direct about finances on a regular basis, you can avoid bigger blowups.
You might have had a conversation about money before you got married and then not in any substantiative way since then.
Share your expectations and perspective on finances, and listen to what your partner has to say.
Take Time to Feel Your Best
When you get into a routine, whether it’s in marriage or any other area of your life, you may not feel excited or energized. Some of this could come from how you feel about yourself. You have to take care of yourself and feel like you’re filling your own cup before you can give anything to another person.
Think about things that make you feel good about yourself, confident, and energized. Make sure you’re included time for those in your life, and that’s likely to carry over into how you interact with your spouse.
Let Go Of Control
Any time we try to hold too much control in life, including in our marriages and relationships with other people, it’s going to create frustration, contempt, and often hostility.
If you notice that you have a problem with needing control, you need to work through this on your own. You should both have mutual respect for one another in a relationship, rather than making demands.
You have to learn to collaborate, and you might realize you’re the one who’s often unwilling to compromise.
Your spouse shouldn’t have to ask your permission to do things, nor should either you monitor each other. While you want to make time for each other, you also want the freedom and sense of independence to be your own people.
When you want to strengthen any relationship, one of the hardest things you have to do is best honest with yourself about everything. You have to think about how you can change to be happier and better in every part of your life. When you are happy, and you’re thriving, it’s going to strengthen all of your relationships, including your marriage.
Do One Thing Each Day to Make Your Partner Happy
Everyone has different things that make them happy or make them feel good in a relationship. For example, you might like compliments. Your partner might like physical affection like a hug.
Try to commit to doing one thing each day that will make them feel happier, and maybe they’ll start to do the same for you.
Finally, if you feel like you aren’t able to manage the rift or the problems on your own, help is available. Counseling can be a great option.
In fact, some couples find it so beneficial that they commit to going to counseling together on a regular basis even if they aren’t experiencing problems to make sure they stay on track and where they want to be in their marriage.