The generally accepted take on Valentine’s Day is that it serves as a celebration of love and romance — and lots of flowers and chocolates. But if you’re not currently in a relationship, this day can become more about “dread” and “unmet expectations” than “love, exciting and new.” But bestselling author and relationship expert Dr. Venus Nicolino says before losing it, people should take a deep breath and realize Valentine’s Day is just a made-up holiday, anyway.
Or, to put it in her words during a podcast interview, “Valentine’s Day is bull—-.” That’s the sort of to-the-point talk people have come to expect from Dr. Venus Nicolino, known for coupling irreverent wit with psychological wisdom. That’s why her book, Bad Advice: How To Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bull—-, strikes a chord with so many people.
“The society you live in has a nasty habit of defining people by a single characteristic,” she writes in the book’s intro. “It’s a perception often polluted by bigotry, sexism, racism, and other small-minded, destructive bull—-.” Dr. Venus Nicolino wasn’t talking directly about letting the world define you by your romantic status, but it applies.
Dr. Venus Nicolino on Why People Struggle With Valentine’s Day Expectations
In addition to her book, Los Angeles-based Dr. Venus Nicolino also dispenses advice on the “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast, and on her popular TikTok and Instagram channels. She holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology and a master’s degree and a doctorate degree in clinical psychology.
As with most other issues, Dr. Venus Nicolino has a strong opinion about Valentine’s Day, a holiday that has many thinking less about romantic dinners and more about excessive retail therapy.
“As Valentine’s Day approaches, what I see more and more in my office is, because of this false marker of time and this bull—- holiday, people feel overwhelmed that they don’t have someone in their life. And they’re struggling with that,” she said on the “Unpause Your Life” podcast.
Asked to give advice to those who might dread Valentine’s Day, Dr. Venus Nicolino started by pointing out that the problem is with the day, not people.
“Valentine’s Day is bull—-. Let’s just start from there, that baseline,” she said. “We’re pushed to feel things by society. Christmas is a very depressing time for people because they think they should be happy, very much like Valentine’s Day. You’re pushed to feel like you should be with someone.
“If you’re alone, take that day and that time to honor yourself. Take really good care of you. And know that you are lovable and that that special someone is out there for you. It’s just a matter of time.”
Studies and Experts Find Valentine’s Day a Potential Minefield
For those who aren’t currently lucky in love, Valentine’s Day is associated with increased feelings of sadness, depression and (probably) increased ice cream intake. Why? As Dr. Venus Nicolino noted, it’s all about societal pressures and unmet expectations.
For example, a study published in the Journal of Scientific Exploration involving over 2,000 participants found that individuals who did not receive a gift on Valentine’s Day reported more symptoms of depression than those who did. Notably, most men in the study got over these feelings in two weeks, while for many women these feelings persisted for over three weeks.
It’s even worse if you just ended a relationship. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America highlights Valentine’s Day as a challenging day for those who have recently experienced a breakup or are facing ongoing disappointments in their love lives. In those situations, according to the association, people may experience everything from sadness, depression and cynicism to despair or anger.
Dr. Venus Nicolino Says It’s Perfectly Fine To Be Alone
Dr. Venus Nicolino said in the podcast interview that many people do not understand the nature of love itself. Those who are not in a relationship may believe they have to first love themselves. She says that’s simply not possible.
“Love is a co-occurring process. It’s something that we create together, and that has been scientifically and biologically proven,” she said. “It’s this unique process. It’s like magic. We want to think of it as a very straightforward process. But it’s not. You’re creating something together.”
She noted that it’s “scientifically and biologically impossible to love yourself the way you would love someone else.” However, Dr. Venus Nicolino said that hasn’t stopped the proliferation of the message that you can only love someone after you learn to love yourself.
“It’s almost like we’re branding this nonsense,” she said. “Love yourself, love yourself. It’s in every song, it’s all over. It’s on signs, it’s on billboards,” she said.
She said those who find themselves alone on Valentine’s Day should focus on self-care rather than self-love. The first step is to figure out what you really want.
“If you are alone and you want to change that, there are definitely ways to go about doing that,” she said. “By taking a risk, by going out in public, by meeting other people and putting yourself out there.
“But if you’re not ready, that’s OK, too. There’s something to be said about being by yourself. And I don’t think as a society we value that the way we should. Being alone and being by yourself can bring about enormous changes and growth and education and knowledge within yourself.”
She added that biologically and anthropologically everyone is “pushed to coupling, we are pushed to community, and that’s a very good thing. But if you find yourself alone, my advice to you would be to accept that. To accept where you are in your life. Because that is self-care, real self-care. Acceptance.”