People can’t be blamed for thinking of romance as the defining element of a relationship. After all, romantic movies or TV shows revolve around the magic of falling in love, not the grind of paying bills. However, the way author Dr. Venus Nicolino sees it, people benefit when they include some practical factors into their “finding a partner” equation.
She even suggests people might gain insight into what makes a long-term relationship work by replacing a few romantic movies with movies focused on the zombie apocalypse or similar scenarios. As she says in one of her TikTok videos, a good long-term partner is “someone willing to draw up a doomsday plan in the dirt with you when s— hits the fan.”
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That mixture of humor and insight is typical from Dr. Venus Nicolino. After all, her book, Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t, offers irreverent takedowns of conventional advice like “expectations lead to disappointment” and “you can’t love someone until you love yourself.”
She’s not voicing uninformed opinions. Dr. Venus Nicolino holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology and a Master’s and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She frequently discusses relationship issues through her TikTok videos and Instagram posts, as well as on the Tea With Dr. V podcast.
When it comes to finding romantic partners, Dr. Venus Nicolino thinks a new approach is needed.
Searching for a Survival Partner Who Also Can Do Romance
In the TikTok video, Dr. Venus Nicolino delves into the idea of focusing on a survival partner rather than a romantic partner. “Romantic partner is an interesting term, given that a sizable chunk of our lives is spent in survival mode,” said Dr. Venus Nicolino. “Financial stress, illness, the line at Starbucks.”
She admits that “survival partner” is not the most romantic term ever. But, she said, “words matter” and thinking of “survival” in addition to “romantic” could alter what people seek in a partner.
“Do you think that would slightly shift what you look for in a romantic partner,” she asked in the video. She added that she doesn’t mean a partner with no romantic connection, but rather “a partner still fully capable of romance and helping you feel swept away, but also a partner who won’t choose flight over fight at the first sign of trouble.
“A survival partner would empower and encourage you to roll with the punches life throws, and they would need the same from you.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino said finding someone who fits the survival mode results in “two beautiful, battle-ready people in a fluid process of ups and downs surviving because of and for each other.”
The Reasons Why Many Partnerships End Up Failing
While couching it in humor, Dr. Venus Nicolino hits upon one of the most serious issues people face when they become partners. For example, she mentions financial stress. A recent study noted that arguments over money are “one of the most persistent and ultimately destructive types of conflict in relationships.”
In a survey conducted by Forbes, a vast majority of respondents (86%) said they believe couples experience more successful relationships when they have similar financial goals. The issue goes beyond the practicalities of paying rent and the electric bill. Money triggers potentially negative emotions involving control, respect, and self-worth. Being financially insecure can become a source of tension and conflict.
Of course, survival isn’t just about money. As Dr. Venus Nicolino points out, a survival partner is someone you can trust when things get tough. Not surprisingly, trust — or the lack of trust — ranks among the list of top reasons that relationships come to an end.
Finding and Keeping A Good Partner Is Not Easy
Girls (and boys) may just want to have fun, but it’s going to take more than that to make a partnership work for the long-term. Thinking about the benefits of a survival partner can help steer a couple to success over time.
Dr. Venus Nicolino warns that this can sometimes take time to develop. People shouldn’t give up on a partner or simply accept that they will stay the same way forever. “We are complicated. We got lots of problems,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said in another TikTok video. “It takes months, years, sometimes decades to get to know some of us. But we are worth the wait and the f—— effort.”
She added, “You may find love without putting up with human failings, but you’re just as likely to hit the lottery and get hit by lightning at the same moment. Love is not easy. It requires effort and a willingness to struggle.”
That willingness to struggle helps define a good survival partner. One of the common themes that runs through much of Dr. Venus Nicolino’s advice revolves around putting in the effort to make your life better. Finding someone with that same approach to life is like finding a diamond in the rough.
Dr. Venus Nicolino advises that is a good thing to keep in mind. “So,maybe when you’re swiping right or texting with a potential romantic partner, ask yourself: ‘Would he or she make a good survival partner?”