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The only thing we find more irritating than New Year’s resolutions is the way everyone has started setting “intentions.” Ostensibly because people are practicing gratitude, it’s not smaller waistlines and bigger savings accounts people wish for on the NYE fireworks. Instead, we “intend” to be present in conversations, or practice empathy in difficult situations, or make more time for friends in the new year. But we know the actual reasons no one’s listing resolutions on Facebook anymore. It’s because no one follows through on them. Rather than engaging with the optimism/shame spiral every January, people list amorphous goals on their Instagram stories, to which they can’t be held accountable.
In the best of times, resolutions are ridiculous. We set our goals way too high, so it’s impossible to achieve them. If you’re still engaging with the Gregorian calendar, here are the funniest New Year’s resolutions for 2021.
Losing weight.
Most of us come out of the holidays a little softer than we went into them. But that’s kind of the point of the winter months––indulgence, decadence, and generosity to yourselves and others. Trying to lose weight when it’s cold and dark is foolish.
Instead, try changing your relationship with your body. Feeling good about yourself, regardless of your weight, is the more challenging intention but is also sustainable in the long run. Rather than joining a doomed diet plan, try buying more seasonal produce this year from local farmer’s markets. You’ll be doing something nice for your body, your local economy, and the environment.
Saving money.
A commitment to save money is a funny New Year’s resolution that most people abandon before February. Instead, just become someone who takes their future financial health seriously.
Instead, make small changes to empower yourself towards future fiscal responsibility. If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, lost your job in the pandemic, are crippled by student loans, or underemployed, try saving $5 to $20 a month as a start, in a separate account from your standard checking and savings.
Finding love.
There’s nothing wrong with setting your sights on being more open to romance in the coming year, but signing up for a bunch of apps and dating sites on January 1st is the perfect way to burn yourself out on human contact by January 10th. Get involved in new hobbies and group sports, and make space for meeting new friends in your life.
If you’re braving social-distanced dating this winter, hone your skills with our first date guide.
Getting more exercise.
We’ve all fallen for the January gym promotion that we ended up paying for and not using for at least eight months out of the year. Becoming a a gym-goer is a a funny New Year’s resolution because it is a dramatic lifestyle change that most people cannot maintain past the first few weeks of a new year. Wait to get the gym membership until you know you’re dedicated to daily exercise.
An excellent place to start? Take a daily walk; the outdoors and moderate exercise are both beneficial for your health.
Traveling more.
This is a fine idea, but if 2020 showed us anything, it’s that travel is a luxury. If influencer-level vacations haven’t filled your life until now, there’s probably a reason––money, time, motivation. Planning a trip takes a lot of time and money. It’s super-stressful until you arrive at your destination.
Instead, set your intention for more adventures that don’t require a boarding pass. Try new restaurants, take more day trips, embrace relaxation in whatever free moments you have––maybe buy a hammock?
Finding a new job.
Were we still not mired in pandemic-life, this one might not be so implausible. Whether you’re jobless or stuck in a bad work situation, setting a goal of finding a brand new job in the new year is more likely to stall than motivate you.
Instead, research the job you want, either now or in five years, and focus on developing the skills and network to get you there. You’ll feel more productive, more engaged with your future, and it’s less burdensome than adding buzzwords to your resume.
Getting organized.
Most disorganized people, who are overwhelmed by clutter, miss deadlines, and misplace their keys and phone, resolve to one of the funniest New Year’s resolutions every January. Even if they have a few weeks of tidiness, chances are there’s a prolonged slump back into their messy ways before spring cleaning.
If this resolution speaks to you on a primal level, try addressing the why behind the disorganization and mess. If it’s a symptom of ADD, depression, or just not having enough time in the day, you will better serve your year by tackling the root cause, not just the mess.
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