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Being annoying takes hard work. If you truly want to get on your colleagues’ nerves or make a trainload of commuters hate you, you have to put the effort in, while simultaneously look oblivious to the effect you’re having on others.
Instead of being only half-annoying by putting your bag down on a seat when a fellow passenger needs it, or talking throughout a movie, why not go the whole hog and include these six phrases in your speech to help you be annoying as possible this year?
The new normal
A buzzword of the pandemic era, the ‘new normal’ has been parroted by politicians across the globe as they try to reassure everyone that it’s all going to be OK.
You don’t have to be a public figure to use it, though. Just tell your friends how McDonald’s updated breakfast menu is the ‘new normal’, or your Mum that her new hairstyle is ‘just something we have to get used to now’, and see how long it is before someone smacks you around the ear and shouts ‘IF IT’S NEW, IT’S NOT NORMAL, IS IT?!’
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…
Take to the nearest social media platform, crack your knuckles, then type this beauty into your keyboard.
That’s right, confuse everyone by announcing that you ‘don’t know who needs to hear this’ before following it up with a message that only your followers can read, suggesting that you do know who needs to hear it…your followers.
A nice contradiction in terms is a great way to get people scratching their heads, and then get annoyed as they work out how the silliness of it all.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
Another great one for social media. TED Talks are world-famous for their informative content and thought-provoking speeches, so why not post your own?
Except, you don’t have to make it about something useful, though, like how to improve your creativity. No, simply subject people to your rant about something banal like how you hate white-chocolate-chip cookies, or that you only play the lottery when it’s a full moon, then patronizingly thank them for ‘coming to your TED Talk’ straight after.
Zoom
Gone are the days when ‘zoom’ was something you did on your scooter. The 21st century ‘zoom’ has us talking into a computer screen, with awkward three-second delays and lawyers turning into cats. With many of us zooming for work, for classes, or village parish meetings every day, it’s little wonder that we’re feeling a little ‘zoomed out’.
What better way to cheese everyone off then by setting up a group WhatsApp proposing a quick ‘Zoom’ at 8 o’clock? There doesn’t have to be a reason. Just an excuse to sit around for half an hour and pretend to look at whoever’s talking while secretly looking at ourselves.
I was today years old
Found out something mildly interesting? Want to irritate your friends in the process? Announce your factoid with a statement that you were ‘today years old’ when you found it out.
This gem is not only grammatically incorrect to the extreme, but it will also be the 430th time your friends will have seen it in the last week. It’ll also conveniently hide your real age if you’re really old.
Bandwidth
Speaking indirectly is one of the most important human traits. Many arguments can be avoided with a passively aggressive comment or two, or you can get out of responsibilities by dropping in the odd euphemism.
When people ask you to do something, why simply say you’re too busy when you can come out with something smart like ‘I just haven’t got the bandwidth’?
Not only is it a hilarious metaphor but you’ll also show just how busy you are. You can then use the free time to think up some more smart comments. Winner.
So, in summary, you’re probably not as annoying as you can be, so taking on these phrases will help you to reach your potential. Drop them into conversations and don’t be afraid to repeat them several times – people tend to love a person who does that.
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